Grace and a Christlike Spirit

I've been a Christian for a very long time. Interestingly, the concept of grace has had me confused. For most of my Christian life I've struggled with "how can works not play a part" in our salvation? If all you need is faith (and not works) in Christ then you have God's grace and mercy. Christ took all of our sins upon himself, therefore that makes us clean. Then does that mean you can be free to sin as much as you'd like? See, that's where I would get confused. Is it really that easy? Just have faith and you're covered?

In these last few months I've been reading the Bible and praying a lot more. Really trying to learn from it. Maybe learn is the wrong word, grow is better. Praying God will continue to reveal himself to me and for me to understand his grace. I was walking along in Half Priced Books a few weeks ago and a book by Max Lucado (who I love) jumped out at me. The book is "In the Grip of Grace". Max has explained grace so well. I feel God is working through Max to help others understand. Two sentences in his book summed it up for me and made grace crystal clear.

1. Mercy understood is holiness desired.
2. Grace fosters an eagerness for good.

I think I get it now. So maybe I've understood it all along? In my works I strive to be holy and good out of gratefulness and to glorify Him. If you truly understand (accept) His mercy and grace, you will desire to be holy, good, and Christlike. Right?

Makes me think of our friend Jerm. He had an incredible spirit. He had integrity, he was kind and loving, non-judging and lived life to it's fullest. He got it. After talking with Jerm's brother this last week he said "The more I learn about Christ, the more I try to be like Christ, I realized I'm becoming more like Jerm".

I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent here. I was reading 2nd Peter last night before bed. Second Peter 3:10-11 talks about possessions and striving to develop Christlike character. It made me think of Jerm. A couple of years ago he lost half of his possessions in a hurricane. His family knew it had happened but David and I didn't. You know why? Because losing those "things" were unimportant to him. He never once complained about it. Things are unimportant. What is important is your character and let me tell you, Jerm had character. Fifteen years ago possessions were important to me. I recognized it and God started changing my heart. "Things" are not what matter. It's how you love. I don't care about that stuff anymore and haven't for a long time. "Things" don't impress me. But what does impress me is how someone loves.

So summed up: If you accept God's grace you will desire to be more Christlike. To me that shows a changed heart and genuine faith.

Sweet Savannah and Ben's Wonderful Imagination

I thought things were getting better. I went to my Uncle's visitation last night and held it all together. I think being around my family lifted my spirits. My poor mother, though. Bless her heart. She's having a hard time. I'm thankful that I'm nearby and able to spend the time that I've spent with her during this difficult time. The funeral is today. Hopefully it will bring some finality and everyone can begin healing.

On my way to take the kids to Mother's Day Out this morning the sadness hit me again. I think I've figured it out. Being alone and music brings it on. Jerm's parents and siblings, David, Mom. My heart goes out to you. May God bring you comfort and peace that only He can.

Let's take a break from this for a moment and hopefully bring a smile. The picture below is Savannah holding her guitar (it's actually Ben's but Savannah is more interested in it). She loves it. Had to take it with her in the car on this outing. She's a girl after her mother's heart that's for sure. She loves it when I play mine. Ben on the other hand always tells me to stop and it's hurting his ears. Okay kid, I'm not that bad am I?

This morning Benjamin said to me in the car, "Momma, you have to take rocket ships to heaven and heaven is in your head....and heart. That's where God lives". The imagination of little kids is so endearing. He's the sweetest boy ever.

Savannah after a really big strum!

2 Wakes, 2 Funerals, 4 Days

I didn't go to church this morning. I should have gone but I'm afraid I'll lose my cool and be a blubbering idiot in public.

On my way to get my iced coffee this morning a couple of realities hit me and started crying like a baby. Benjamin asks "Momma, why are you still sad?" I told him because I just realized I'm going to be at 2 different wakes and 2 different funerals in a matter of four days. Of course he had no idea what that meant and I didn't go into detail explaining it to him. Is this really happening?

It's looking like Jerm's funeral will be later in the week so I get to attend both funerals. Okay, I say "get" to attend. Why does that sound wrong to me?

Then I realized there is no way I can let my husband go with me to my Uncle Jerry's funeral. It would be like rubbing salt in David's wounds from Jerm's death.

I'm shaking right now. Why? The sadness of this all is overwhelming.

This is part of our conversation on the way home from McDonald's this morning:

Benjamin: Hey Momma, I see Uncle Jerry!

Me: Really? What's he doing?

Benjamin: He's right there. He says he's in a house far from outer space and there are no rocket ships.

Me: That sounds about right.

Benjamin: Momma, is Uncle Jeremy with Uncle Jerry in heaven?

Me: Yep. (Isn't that sweet how he referred to Jerm as "Uncle"?)

Benjamin: Momma, they said they'll be back in a minute.

Did I?

Did I hold it together today and not cry until I heard from a special friend?
Yes.

Did I get impatient with my kids and yell this evening....multiple times?
Yes.

Did I cry at what felt like every song I heard?
Yes.

Do I have regrets?
Yes.

Could things be worse?
Yes.

I've only seen my husband in passing this week and do I miss him?
Yes.

Am I emotionally exhausted?
Yes.

Am I scared that the two funerals will be on the same day and I have to choose?
Yes.

Am I taking life hour by hour at this point?
Yes.

Do I want to drink the whole bottle of wine instead of a glass or two?
Yes.

Will things get better?
Yes.

Is my heart breaking for Jerm's dear parents?
Yes.

Have I asked God to forgive me today for my actions and my bad attitude?
Yes.


Grieving is weird. I found myself being "ok" today, until this evening. I was even dancing with Savannah while cooking dinner, laughing and having a good time. Then I broke down.

What I find also weird is how I felt after my uncle's death and then how different I felt after Jerm's death. Yes, I was very sad about Uncle Jerry. But I had a few days to prepare for his death. When it happened, I was relieved he wasn't suffering anymore. Was it emotionally exhausting to spend a lot of my time for 5 days at the hospital? Of course. Worth it? Definitely. It wasn't about me anyway. It was about being there for him. Seeing him take his last breath? Well, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around that. B-U-T, once he passed my attitude actually was good about life. I take that back, not good, but oddly enough, great! I had closure with him. I knew he was okay. No more pain. He knew I loved him and got to hear me say it many times those last few days.

Then I found out about Jerm, saw my husband hurting and knew there was nothing I could do or say that would lift his spirits. Only time will heal. My attitude changed. I'm sad. I'm frustrated with my kids because they're not letting me grieve when "I want to". Sounds selfish, doesn't it? Because it is. Jerm was supposed to be that friend that was around when we're old and gray. I can imagine us all sitting around talking about the good 'ole days. Jerm was "that friend" to David that most people don't get and David was so blessed to have. So is this an eye-opener for our friends who are most dear to us? You bet. We aren't taking that for granted. Not that we ever did, but, well, you know what I mean.

I've had a double dose of reality this week; however, the irony is that it feels so unreal.

God has his reasons for all of this. Proverbs "Do not lean on your own understanding" keeps popping in my head. I have to trust Him. And I do. Okay, off I go. Benjamin keeps talking, I can't think straight and I think I'm annoying myself by how many questions I asked in this post.

Jerm

I guess to say that David and I have had a bad week is an understatement. Still grieving my uncle's death, thirty-six hours later, we found out that one our dearest friends (David's best friend since grade school) passed away in his sleep last night. Completely unexpected. Our hearts are heavy and our eyes filled with tears. This feels so unreal. Jeremy Pryor (a.k.a. Jerm) will be deeply missed. He was by far one of the coolest guys around. Laid back, funny, and highly intelligent. We've got some great memories together. Kerrville Folk Festival will never be the same. Man, I just don't get it. I just don't. I feel like I'm in someone else's bad dream. While grieving my uncle's loss and then at the same time grieve Jerm and comfort my husband is hard.....especially with a screaming 3 year old and a 2 year old. Someone tell me some good news?

Jerm hanging out at the Kerrville Folk Festival.












Jerm reading to Benjamin.














Giving the toast at our wedding.


















Me, David, and Jerm on our wedding day.





















































In New Orleans

Life

Ever since Saturday I've been spending a lot of time at the hospital in Sherman. Haven't been home much. My Uncle Jerry went in to the ER a week ago not feeling well. It turned out to be lung cancer. It was so far advanced that there was nothing they could do for him except keep him comfortable. None of us had any idea. I was able to talk to him before he got unresponsive. My first words were, "Well Uncle Jerry, you sure picked a hell of way to get us all together now didn't you?" He chuckled.

Seeing someone die, seeing them take their last breath, can change a person. It makes you think about your own mortality. Life goes by so quickly. Don't take life for granted. Don't judge. Live life with enthusiasm....and love others, deeply. And you know what? Forgive. God requires it and it makes life so much better.

I've gotten to know a little bit more about my cousin Randy (Uncle Jerry's son). He's about 15 years older than me. I don't really know him (he lives in California) but I've learned I'm not the only hippie in the family. He's like my kindred spirit. I see that I come about my free spirit ways honestly (finally)! He recorded himself playing the guitar and singing a couple of songs for Uncle Jerry while he was in the hospital. Now that really got everyones' tears flowing. Anyway, my point is, I regret that we all didn't get together more. We're all so spread out, with families of our own, extended families and so on, getting together can be hard.

I tell you, God kept working his magic during these last few days. He was busy that's for sure. Here's one example. Two of Uncle Jerry's kids don't believe in God. I kept praying that God would open up an opportunity for us to ask Uncle Jerry about his salvation but the time just never seemed right. Then right when we thought we weren't going to have the chance...there it was. Thank you cousin Alyssa for making sure our uncle is now with our heavenly Father. We asked him the most important question of all and prayed over him while he was still aware. Although we were unable to understand his answer when asked if he believed Jesus was his Savior, we believe he did. Shortly after that, he was almost completely unresponsive.


Another example, Uncle Jerry loved music. I was wishing on my drive up to the hospital that I was better at playing the guitar to play for him. Sure enough, like I mentioned earlier, we found out his son in California recorded himself playing the guitar and singing a song to him.

One of the best examples was last night we were all planning on the leaving the hospital around 11pm to get some rest. His best friend, Larry, had a plane to catch and wasn't going to be able to stay much later than that. Uncle Jerry left us around 10:45pm. We were all there to comfort him. It was like he knew. Thank you Lord.

Uncle Jerry was one very cool man. Handsome, intelligent, and strong. He lived an amazing life. From being in the marines to working in the CIA, he's got some very interesting stories. One word that really described him was stubborn. That man was not only stubborn in his life but was stubborn in his death. The nurse came in twice and declared that he had passed and each time after she walked out of the room he would take another breath. We spent some time listening to some of his favorite music in the hospital room. I'm not sure if he was aware of the music but I hope he was and I hope it was some comfort to him. Band on the Run, Evita, and Bob Seger filled his ears during these last few days. (Thank goodness for iPods!)

I'm sad to see you go Uncle Jerry but I'm glad you're now at peace. Goodbye Uncle Jerry. I'll see you on the other side. Stay cool.

Arboretum

Ms. Diane and I took the kids to the Arboretum Wednesday to see the castles they have displayed at this time. Here's some pics of the morning. It was beautiful outside...minus the wind.

This is how Savannah exits...bottoms first.



































Just my size!




































The kids in the Little Mermaid throne.













Hello Mr. Bird!












Having fun being sprayed with water.

Playroom Pity

Here's a picture of the playroom when I've given the kids permission to do whatever they want.... Yes, they took their table apart and demolished anything they could get their hands on in 10 minutes. Messy, messy, messy. I'll give you one guess who ended up cleaning and reorganizing the mess.....